Makes me Angry

I feel a mixture of frustration, anger and general unhappiness at the moment. I also feel trapped.

I dislike having my feelings tugged around. Not being held accountable for my mistakes. Being told that I don't really know my own feelings or that what I'm feeling is temporary. Or whatever. Basically being told that I don't know what I want.

I also feel like I can't write honestly in this journal, at least not for now. Not as in lies, but not being able to tell the entire truth. And I dislike that because my life, currently, is filled with many dirty secrets I would love to spill onto the Internet. But no. I feel as if I can't, because he will read this, and comment on it.

Or will he? I don't know. I have no way of checking with Blogspot. I can't see who is visiting my journal. I feel censored. I don't want to have to start another blog. That's why I have this fucking blog.

Anyway, I feel torn. Torn between wanting to run away but not wanting to hurt someone. It makes me feel yucky to tell him what he wants to hear and to hear him beg me to tell him what he wants me to hear because every time I say it I think to myself, "I don't mean it, not in the way you want me to." It's an awful feeling.

In short: I would like to move on with my fucking life.

When you're young and pretty you think that leaving a trail of broken hearts would be fun and flattery but it's really not. It's a lot of hard work, guilt, and general unpleasantness.